Several years ago I was regaled with an extraordinary offer. It pertained to the opportunity of a lifetime. The exquisite invitation allured me with its ornate gold leaf decoration, but the content of the enticingly elegant text put me off once I had read it. I declined due to apprehension of what such a course would actually entail. Several ladies were encouraged to “cock up” their favorite dishes with instruction and guidance from qualified experts. To even think that there are people adept at facilitating such culinary disasters was news to me. (For those of you who are perhaps not familiar with colloquial British English, a “cock up” is when you have made a huge mistake. The American equivalent of a “boo-boo”.)
It was patently obvious from the presentation of this written proposal that a fair amount of money had been spent on designing the card, selecting the venue and staging the evening. Indeed, such an investment would have been justified had it not been for the atrocious spelling that changed the entire meaning intended. Had this been a one-off encounter, then perhaps the less said about it the better. However, the alarming frequency with which such “cock ups” are made has compelled me to document just a few of the choicest for your perusal.
Huge neon signs constructed at great expense often advertise the most peculiar messages. Naturally, English being a second language for most is a contributory factor no doubt, but why if this is indeed the case, isn’t a specialist brought in to translate? Driving along a busy street in central Riyadh you see plenty of such services available. Being spoilt for choice which one would you pick? “Translashion Services” or “English and Arabic Langage Specalist”? It might actually be quite dangerous to place your trust in an outfit that doesn’t even own or use a dictionary prior to producing its own signboard! (Incidentally, problems of this nature could be solved by consulting an organization that claims to be the “International Dictionary for Translation”.)
In the event that you decide to defy all logic and common sense and recruit one of these firms then the chances of them producing a specimen as atrocious as their own advertisements is really quite high. This would be the time perhaps to seek some legal advice. There is an honorable judicial establishment in Jeddah that appears to be particularly proficient at dealing with these cases: “The Low Firm”. In fact, it won a landmark victory against one of these very linguistically challenged establishments and due to the defendant’s inability to disburse damages, it produced the company’s hoarding in lieu of payment.
But there is even, surprise surprise, lower than that! Restaurants attract potential diners with the promise of being “spesialists in goat and cow” and if you prefer the tantalizing taste of seafood then perhaps you should opt for the “frash fesh” with a side dish of “All Kinds of Brains”. For dessert you must go to the renowned patisserie that boasts a mouth-watering combination of “Freshly Prepared Sweats”.
What may be a revelation to all of you is the fact that in spite of the strict rules forbidding the sale of alcohol in the Kingdom, you are still at liberty to choose from a wide selection of “drunks”! The soft variety I might hasten to add.
Creativity is in abundance when it comes to shop names. There is a plethora of those that have some implicit meaning that is not so easily understood unless you belong to the Freemasons. I saw the rather unlikely title of “For Pregnant” flashing across the front of a boutique the other day. This does not offer any form of infertility cures or other biological solutions. Lest you think it to be a sentence fragment to be filled in at your own imaginative will your thoughts will soon be curbed by a wide array of maternity wear.
If you would like to avail yourself of some “spatial offer” a few blocks down do not expect to augment your celestial knowledge or to gain a more superior understanding of astronomy. And don’t forget to visit the “Gifties, Antiqities and Ittems” store to purchase the unique present for that very special (or spatial?) someone in your life.
But for those of you out there who are really adventurous you might wish to try your luck at the “Ninja Turtles Hair Cuttery” or get your system serviced at “Hard On Computers”.
I remember once reading the news live at the Radio Station and was left rather perplexed by my own announcement that President Clinton and the Japanese prime minister had conducted a high-level meeting in the Ladies Room. Judging by the general level of interpreting and exchanging the nuances of Arabic to English I am now no longer surprised.
Lastly, with all the troubles our country has been facing these days brought about by a few unruly elements within our ranks, it is not surprising that our authorities are fighting back. The war of words is being waged against the terrorists and a hoarding recently vehemently defended our commitment to battling this social evil. “We will use our strongest arm to fight the power of magnetism”, it boasted proudly. Well, challenging this natural phenomenon might be a touch difficult, especially if there is an iron fist at the end of it.
(Lubna Hussain is a Saudi writer. She is based in Riyadh.)