THERE have been several recent articles about the negative effects polygamy has on women’s relationships with their families. One cannot help but be sympathetic when hearing of these women who are traumatized and, in some cases, even hospitalized when they learn their husband has taken a second wife.
Despite this, one cannot ignore the thousands of successful polygamous marriages all over the Muslim world which provide sound solutions to many personal, social, physical and economic problems. In many Muslim societies, it is not uncommon to hear of women encouraging their husbands to take another wife and thus choosing to become involved in polygamy. There are many reasons for this. A wife may be physically or mentally unable to fulfill her family obligations, unable to have children or be unable to support herself or her children.
Hanan, 32, was divorced a few years before she decided to become a second wife. She met her husband through mutual friends and has been happily married now for four years and has two children. “I have no problems with being a second wife,” she says. “My husband is fair to us and all of the children.”
Hannan says she admires and looks up to the first wife. “Whenever I need anything, she is the first one to help me.” Hannan recalls a time when she had an argument with her husband. “She came to my defense and was a mediator in our disagreement.”
Though the two wives live in separate houses, Hanan says her husband divides his time equally between her and his first wife. “My husband is generous with his time and provides for my children. I could not ask for a better husband.”
Though polygamy is allowed in Islam, it should occur only by mutual consent. A woman cannot be forced to marry a man who is already married; she must only marry of her own free will. At the same time, the wife has the right to stipulate in a prenuptial contract that her husband not marry another woman. The woman is, of course, free to encourage her husband to marry another woman.
For instance, Mariam, 34, has been married for 11 years. She is her husband’s first wife and has three children. She has been a long-time supporter of her husband taking another wife. “My husband and I discussed him taking a second wife from day one of our marriage and for years, I have been helping him look for his second wife.”
Mariam’s feelings about her husband taking another wife show an unusual amount of understanding of his needs. “I suppose my husband has needs beyond what I can provide, perhaps both physically and emotionally.
“I hoped he would take another wife so I could have some female companionship, help with household responsibilities and a person to share our lives; cry when we cry and laugh when we laugh.”
Mariam admits there has been tension. “We have had some rough times, but overall I think he appreciates my attitude about the second wife.”
Mariam says she has never thought of divorce as a solution to any marital problem. “I feel that Allah gave men the right to have more than one wife and we should not be selfish or feel hurt when they take that right.”
Mariam has not seen her husband’s wife yet but they hope to be united soon and live together under one roof. Both she and her husband are anxious to have her become part of the family. “I love her more than my sister and she will be a big plus to both me and my husband.”
Speaking about the new wife’s sensitivity, Mariam said she had offered the new wife two nights to her one until she got used to the situation. She also recalls a time when the new wife wrote a poem to their husband. “When she thought I was jealous, she offered never to write him anything again.”
Mariam says she will never forget the good and kind things the new woman has done for her.
Amal, 30, has been a second wife for nine years and has two children. She met her husband and his first wife through a relative. “It was my husband’s first wife who made the first approaches for me to marry her husband.”
Amal said that her reasons were because her husband wanted more children and she wanted female companionship. Amal is a firm believer in polygamy. “I wanted to be a co-wife. My mother was the second of three wives so I felt comfortable with that kind of marriage.” She does not live with her husband; in fact, they live in different countries. She says it is difficult at times to be away from her husband for long periods but she does not want to change the arrangements, move away from her family and leave her country. “My husband visits me on his vacation and I visit him and his other wife. I travel there for a few months every year or whenever I get time off,” she says. She has a full time job as a teacher so she has a long summer holiday. She says that she gets along with her husband’s first wife and also their children. “When my husband travels on vacation, he brings his wife and family to visit me. My husband’s first wife has always been kind and supportive of me and my needs and treats my children as her own.”
Khadija, 37, a first wife of 19 years, could not have any children. For many years she lived with her husband’s sadness at having no children. Finally after much discussion and guidance, she agreed for her husband to take another wife. “I love my husband very much but I felt his pain,” says Khadija. “His new wife gave him something I could not.”
She does not live with her husband’s other wife but they see each other often. Khadija says she gets along fine with the second wife. “I think of her as my sister and I am happy she is part of our lives.”
Khadija says she never thought of divorce but admits that sometimes when there were problems, she went to her family for a short time. “There are times when we have troubles but this is normal in any marriage; people go through hard times but it is our love and faith in Allah that keeps us together.”
Love, trust, respect, commitment and, above all, faith, are necessary in maintaining healthy and successful marriages. Faith also allows us to be close to our religion and its teachings. Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, said, “None of you will have faith until he likes for his Muslim brother (sister) what he (she) likes for himself (herself).” These are the genuine qualities that keep us from such negative feelings as greed, jealousy, envy and competition and which keep these woman’s marriages strong, happy, and secure. Polygamy is certainly not for everyone but one must recognize it is a religious right which exists to protect both men and women from many social problems.
