Q. Is it too much for a married woman to ask her husband for companionship, trust, love and quality time? If she feels her husband to be detached and arrogant, what is there for her to do? May I also ask if the husband is the one to determine the number of children the family may have? What if his wife feels she needs more than the two children they already have?
(Name and address withheld)
A. No, that is not too much to ask. In fact, it is the right of every wife to have such companionship and intimacy with her husband. However, people’s temperaments differ, and what may be said theoretically may be very difficult to achieve in practice. What is important for every one to realize is that marriage is not a mechanical relationship. It is more about intimacy of persons, who should be able to share life’s affairs, problems, joys and sorrows together. If a man keeps himself detached from his wife, it is no wonder that she could feel lonely, depressed and unhappy. It is his duty to try to remove such a situation by being more loving and tender.
Having said that, I should add that many couples seem to have problems in their relationship because they do not realize that there are differences in the way men and women look at things. Thus, a woman may give her husband a simple word of advice concerning a problem he is facing. However, he takes that as though it means that she does not trust his judgment, or that she thinks that he is incapable of managing his affairs. Similarly, a man may try to get his wife to take a certain line of action when all she needs is for him to listen to her and understand her feelings, giving her moral support. Therefore, it is imperative that men and women try to understand what each of them expects from the other. No man should think that his wife is immature because she expects words of love and endearment. Similarly, he needs to make her aware that when he tells her of a problem he is having, he is not looking for suggestions on how to deal with it. Such suggestions may, to him, sound indicative of lack of trust in his ability.
The number of children a couple may have should be decided by mutual agreement. A woman has as much to say on this as a man, except where a man considers his means and feels that he cannot support a larger family.
Delayed celebration
Q. When I went home last year, I got married on arrival. I intended to give a waleemah a few days later, but my mother-in-law died shortly after my wedding. This meant that the waleemah could not be arranged. I intend to do it on my next visit home. May I ask whether it is obligatory, or recommended, and whether it may be organized a year after the wedding?
N. Muhammad, Riyadh
A. The waleemah is a dinner party to celebrate a wedding, to which relatives, friends and neighbors are invited. It is a function to give a chance to the local community to share in the joy of two of its members. It is strongly recommended. It is not obligatory.
The circumstances that led you to postpone it are understandable. However, you should have arranged it sometime later, on your 2 months visit. Now that a year has passed, the reason for the waleemah is gone, as the occasion has passed.
Jesus and his mother
Q. How did Mary, Jesus’ mother, escape punishment when she was accused of adultery? How did she react when people started to call her son, Jesus, son of God?
G. Rabbani, Gizan
A. Mary was never accused of adultery and she was never guilty of any such offense. As we read the story of Jesus’ birth in the Qur’an, it is clear that when Mary, the pure and blessed virgin, carried her child and went to her people, they were shocked. However, she did as she was commanded: she indicated to them that she had made a vow not to speak, and allowed her child to speak. As God enabled him to speak clearly right from the moment of his birth, he clearly stated his position and his mother’s position. When people saw such a newborn speaking so eloquently, they realized that his conception and birth was through a special act of God and his mother was free of blame.
As for the other point, Christians did not start to call Jesus son of God until three centuries later, when Constantine embraced Christianity and forced this belief on it. He killed all bishops who refused to follow his line. By this time, Mary was long dead.
A smoking imam
Q.1. When at work, I normally pray in the office where one of our colleagues leads the prayer. However, he is a chain smoker. Is it preferable to pray with him or go to the nearby mosque?
Q.2. Obedience to parents is obligatory, and also the Prophet urges all men to be kind to their wives. Sometimes it is difficult to achieve both objectives: if one pleases one’s wife, he displeases his parents and if he tries to please his parents, his wife is annoyed. What is the way out?
M. Abdullah, Jeddah
A.1. Prayer behind an imam who is known to commit acts of disobedience to God is valid. The rule in this respect is that if the imam’s prayer alone is valid, then it is also valid if he leads a congregation. Therefore, if you continue to pray in the office, you need not have any worries about the validity of your prayers.
Having said that, I should explain that smoking has been ruled as forbidden in Islam. A large number of scholars all over the Muslim world are of this view, and the number is increasing. They base their ruling on the facts that are now well-established about the extent of harm smoking causes to people’s health. Its harm is not limited to the smoker, but also to his family, and all those who are in close proximity to him. The World Health Organization confirms that smoking is a direct cause of no less than 25 very serious diseases, many of which are killer diseases. Such a product could only be forbidden from the Islamic point of view.
Yet many people are not aware of its prohibition, because smoking has been a widespread habit for many decades, when the extent of the health risks it involves was not known. Since smoking is an addiction, it is very difficult for smokers to quit. They often need help. Therefore, you should work on this imam to help him to quit smoking. You may do so gradually, until he is convinced that his habit does not fit with Islam. You may start by obtaining the book the World Health Organization published under the title "The Islamic Ruling on Smoking" in both Arabic and English. You may write to its main office at Abd Al-Kahliq Al-Sanhoori Street, Off Makram Ubeid, Madinat Nasr, Cairo, Egypt, or to its office in Riyadh. You then speak to the imam and try to persuade him to make a serious attempt to quit. May God help both of you to achieve this.
Perhaps I should add that there are a number of clinics in the main cities in Saudi Arabia which are specialized in helping people to quit smoking. These are part of the services provided by the Ministry of Health. There is at least one in Jeddah. You may be able to persuade the imam to visit the clinic and see how they can help him.
A.2. Obedience to parents is required in what is fair and reasonable. When parents ask their son to do something that is out of the way, or unfair to another person, then they must not be obeyed. The rule is that clearly spelled out by the Prophet: "No creature may be obeyed in what constitutes disobedience to the Creator." One’s wife has rights which must be respected. She has a relationship with her husband which should not be subject to interference by parents, either on his or her side. Moreover, it is certainly a requirement of Islam that one must treat his wife with kindness. The Prophet says: "Take good care of women." He also tells us that the best of people are those who are best to their wives. Therefore, it is a duty of every man to establish a balance between rights and duties, giving each one their dues.
