Today's Consumer Topic Is: Buying a New TV.
Buying a TV today is complicated. It's not like in the 1950s, when I was a boy and the glaciers were receding and electricity had just been invented. Back then, there was only one kind of TV, which was a refrigerator-sized mass of walnut with two knobs and a tiny screen. In fact, some of the early TVs had no screen at all: People would just sit and stare at the walnut. That's how starved we were for entertainment.
I remember when we got our first TV. Dad set it up, then climbed up onto our roof to try to aim the antenna at New York City. Then he yelled down to us, and we turned the "ON" knob, and the tiny screen started to glow, and then we saw it, right in our living room, an incredible miracle: Static. Oh, sure, we'd HEARD static before, but this was the first time we'd ever actually SEEN it. And this static was coming "all the way from New York."
Back then, we watched a lot of static, although sometimes, if Dad was having an unusually good aiming day up on the roof, we saw some actual programming, which mainly consisted of silent black-and-white cartoons of mice running around. That was the entire plot. There were these mice, and they ran around. I'm not saying it was as stupid as "Fear Factor," but it was pretty stupid. Sometimes we'd yell up to Dad to turn the antenna back to the static.
Today, of course, TV technology is extremely sophisticated, to the point where most of your higher-end TV sets can be operated only by children. When you walk into a TV store, the salesperson bombards you with scary technical terms such as "HDTV," "plasma," "diagonal" and "service agreement." And the prices! You may have to choose between buying a new TV and sending your children to college! So you definitely want it to be the "right" TV.
To help you decide which of the many models is right for you, take the following quiz, which was provided by the American Institute of Television Manufacturers Not Actually Located in America:
Quiz to determine what type of TV you need
Question 1. Are you a male?
HOW TO SCORE: If you answered "yes," then the type of TV you need is what is known technically as "a bigger TV than the one you have." A true man cannot own a TV that is too large. Even as you read these words, there's a guy somewhere who just bought a TV with a screen the size of a regulation volleyball court, a screen on which a human nostril looks like the entrance to the Lincoln Tunnel. This guy is standing in his family room - which had to be enlarged for this TV - and he's looking at the screen, and he WANTS to be satisfied with it, but he's troubled by the nagging suspicion that, somewhere in America, in another family room, there's a guy who has a bigger diagonal.
I'm not saying ALL men are like this. You may be the kind of man who's perfectly happy with the size of his current diagonal. Fine! I'm happy for you! Good luck in the National Floral Arrangement Championships!
But the rest of you men know you need a bigger TV. And you know who's standing in your way: The same "Negative Nelly" who always tries to hold you back when you have a visionary household idea, such as washing underwear in the dishwasher, or installing a urinal in your bedroom: your wife. The instant you tell her you need a new TV, she's going to start coming up with nitpicky legalistic arguments like: "But our current TV works fine!" Or: "But we bought a new TV yesterday!" Or: "But we're broke and we live in a homeless shelter!"
Women! Always ruled by their emotions. But you CAN overcome your wife's resistance, men, if you (a) take the time to listen - really listen - to her objections; then (b) respond patiently and sincerely, without resorting to browbeating; then (c) when she falls asleep, smash your current TV screen with a brick. "I don't know how it happened!" should be your explanation. "I was tossing a brick around in the family room like I always do, and BOOM! Now if we don't get a new, larger, TV, we'll have no way to watch Oprah, or romantic movies starring Hugh Grant!"
That will get her. Women LOVE Hugh Grant, Mr. Charming with his floppy hair and his accent. I bet he has a tiny diagonal. Not that I think about it.
