Q. May I put to you the case of a marriage besought with problems that are constantly caused by the wife who seems to care only for her own ambitions. I have watched this marriage closely and although I am friendly with both man and wife, I feel that the blame falls fairly and squarely on the woman. She is only concerned about her status, comfort and pleasure, paying little care to the needs and cares of the rest of the family. The man has tolerated this situation so far because he is keen to keep the family together, fearing that his children might be adversely affected if the marriage collapses. However, I feel that it is all a lost cause. Please comment.
(Name and address withheld)
A. When a woman behaves according to the details you have given me, it is obvious that she is not interested in her family or in her position as a wife. She only looks at her marriage as a matter of convenience, serving an immediate purpose she has in mind. She will walk out of it the moment she feels that it is no longer useful to her. How her walking out would affect her husband will be of little concern to her, because the main trait in her personality is self-interest. What we need to stress here is that we are talking about a particular type of woman whom we come across very infrequently. The majority of women are not like that. Indeed most women care about their families and are keen to ensure that their home life is a happy one. They do much to ensure such happiness. Yet there are some women who are selfish, uncaring, or plain wicked, just like there are men who manifest such characteristics.
When a woman of this type considers a marriage proposal, she looks only at the advantages that such marriage brings her. If she determines that it gives her clear advantages, she will go to any length to ensure that the marriage takes place. Thus, a young woman who is hungry for wealth might tell her much older but rich suitor that age difference is of no concern to her. She lies through her teeth to convince him that she is marrying him because she is so impressed with his personality, care, etc. When the marriage takes place, she starts a careful and steady plan to get a large portion of his wealth transferred to her. She may then turn her back on him and go away. Some women marry because their marriage gets them to live in a richer and freer country, perhaps in Europe or America. When they get there, they will tolerate the marriage until they have acquired the citizenship of that country. They will then walk out without a twinge of remorse.
When a family man discovers that he has married a woman of this type, he tries his best to save the marriage, particularly if he has young children. He will accept any compromise in order to put their marriage on an even keel. This may work out, but only temporarily. Such compromises will not change the nature of the other person. She will look at the new proposals or arrangements from the extremely narrow angle of her own self-interest. If prolonging the marriage for a time will serve her interests, even for a short while, she will accept it. Before long, the husband is back to square one. He may be facing an even more complicated problem.
Therefore, the proper thing for the husband to do is to make a careful assessment of the situation. If he has tried several times to make his wife more interested in the family’s well-being without success, then the proper way is to cut down his losses and end his marriage. God has given us the option of ending a marriage that proves not to be working. Islamic divorce is free of complication. It offers both parties a solution for a complicated problem. It guarantees the rights of both, without injustice or wrongdoing. The man in this case should look at this solution, even though it may be painful. Some men prefer to continue with an unsuccessful marriage in order to keep their children under the care of both parents. This is certainly a noble aim, but it sometimes backfires. Each case should be assessed on its own. However, we should remember that a family home which witnesses very frequent quarrels between parents is not a good atmosphere for bringing up young children. When we consider divorce, we have to look into all that it will involve and weigh up the positive points against the negative ones. If the problem is very bad, then divorce could be the way to mutual happiness.
Women’s Driving and the Day of Judgment
Q. Is it not true to say that with so many women driving cars these days, this phenomenon is a sign of the approach of the Day of Judgment? The Prophet said that among these signs is to see women in the saddle. Please comment.
(Name and address withheld)
A. No! It is certainly incorrect to say that women’s driving is a sign of the Day of Judgment. The Hadith you mention simply gives a metaphoric image, rather than slamming a prohibition on women to ride horses or drive cars. What is important to realize is that the authority to prohibit anything belongs to God. He issues such prohibitions in the Qur’an, or through the Prophet (peace be upon him) who expresses them in a Hadith. The Prophet often expresses such prohibitions by saying to us: “God has forbidden you” this or that. No one else has such an authority. We have no Qur’anic or Hadith statement that can be interpreted even remotely as justification to prohibit any woman from driving a car if she is skilled enough to drive.
It is true that in Saudi Arabia women are not allowed to drive, but this is a government regulation, not an Islamic prohibition. The ruler of any Muslim country has the authority to issue regulations that restrict certain freedoms, if he deems that such restriction serves the interests of the community, as long as such restriction does not violate any express Islamic order or clear rule.
Having said that, I realize that there are people in Saudi Arabia who support the ban on women’s driving. They are certainly entitled to their views. However, they must not try to make this an Islamic issue, because there is nothing in Islam to support such a ban. The Prophet spoke approvingly of a day that would soon come when a woman could travel alone across the wide desert and be completely safe, citing this as an aspect of God’s grace. His daughter, Zaynab, traveled from Makkah to Madinah riding a camel, accompanied by two men who were not related to her.
