In some Muslim communities, a woman is made to stay in doors throughout her waiting period, after her husband’s death. A woman is certainly required to observe this waiting period, when she cannot marry someone else. The waiting period lasts for four months and ten days, unless she is pregnant in which case the waiting period ends when she gives birth. The strict restrictions on a widow in her waiting period are largely social, which means that they are imposed by social tradition, rather than Islam. In some cases, women are not allowed to see even their close relatives until this period is over. Yet Islam permits a man to give such a woman a hint that he wishes to marry her. While he cannot make a direct proposal as long as she is in her waiting period, he can give her a clear, unmistakable hint. This is stated in the Qur’an: “You will incur no sin if you give a hint of a marriage offer to (widowed) women or keep such an intention to yourselves. God knows that you will entertain such intentions concerning them. Do not, however, plight your troth in secret; but speak only in a decent manner. Furthermore, do not resolve on actually making the marriage tie before the prescribed term (of waiting) has run its course. Know well that God knows what is in your minds, so have fear of Him; and know that God is much-forgiving, forbearing.” (2: 235)
According to the well-known commentary on the Qur’an, Tafsir Al-Jalalayn, a hint of a marriage offer may be that a man says to her: “You are pretty: who can find a woman like you?” Or, “there is certainly someone who will be keen to marry you.”
The Prophet himself dropped such a hint to a woman in her waiting period, even though he wanted her to marry someone he had in mind. Fatimah Ibn Qays, a woman from the early Muhajirin, reports: “My husband Abu Amr Ibn Hafs Ibn Al-Mugheerah sent me Ayyash Ibn Abi Rabeeah to inform me that he had divorced me. He sent with him five Saas of dates and five of barley. (The Saa was a measure equal to four times the fill of a man’s cupped hands.) I said to him: ‘Is this all my maintenance? Am I not to observe my waiting period in your home?’ He said: ‘No.’ I put on my clothes and went to see the Prophet. He asked me how many times I was divorced. I said: ‘three.’ He said: ‘He is right. You cannot claim maintenance. You can observe your waiting period in Ibn Umm Maktoom’s home. Since he is a blind man, you can put off your top garments in his home. When you finish your waiting period, let me know’.” (Related by Muslim.) Another version of this Hadith mentions that the Prophet sent her a word telling her not to precipitate his intention by getting married.
It is not surprising that the Prophet dropped such clear hints to this woman, because she was known to be a wise and pretty woman, in addition to her being among the early Muslims. The Prophet wanted her as a wife of Usamah Ibn Zayd, whom he loved dearly.
How do scholars understand the permission to drop a hint of marriage to a woman in her waiting period? “Ibn Abbas comments on the verse that says, ‘You will incur no sin if you give a hint of a marriage offer to (widowed) women...’ saying that a man may say to her, ‘I am keen to get married, and I hope that I will find a suitable woman’.” (Related by Al-Bukahri.)
Al-Tabari, on the other hand, quotes several early scholars on this point. The first is another explanation by Ibn Abbas: “He may say to her, ‘I would love to have a woman who is so and so, mentioning some good points.’ Mujahid suggests: “He says to her, ‘You are pretty; you will certainly have someone; you will indeed be in a good situation, etc’.” Al-Qasim Ibn Muhammad goes further: “He says: ‘I am keen on you; I do care for you; I admire you, etc’.” Al-Suddi suggests: “He goes in, greets her and gives a present if he wishes, but says nothing.”
Whichever view we take of these, there is strong evidence that meeting between a woman in her waiting period and a man who wants to drop a hint of marriage is permissible. A different situation that allows such mixing is the intention to make a proposal of marriage. God says in the Qur’an: “Those of you who die leaving wives behind, their wives shall wait, by themselves, for four months and ten days. When they have reached the end of their waiting-term, you shall incur no sin in whatever they may do with themselves in a lawful manner. God is aware of all that you do.” (2: 234)
We note in the verse the part that reads, “You shall incur no sin in whatever they may do with themselves in a lawful manner.” In a leading commentary on the Qur’an, Tafsir Al-Jalalayn, this is explained as “whatever they do of wearing makeup and fishing for a marriage proposal.”
Subayah Bint Al-Harith, a companion of the Prophet, reports that she was married to Saad Ibn Khawlah, but he died during the Prophet’s pilgrimage. Only a short while after that she gave birth to her child. When she regained her strength, she started to wear makeup expecting a proposal. Abu Al-Sanabil Ibn Baakak came to her and said: “How come you are adorned expecting a proposal, hoping to get married?...” (Related by Al-Bukhari and Muslim) In another version, it was Abu Al-Sanabil who proposed to marry her but she refused his proposal. Yet another version reported by Malik in Al-Muwatta’, mentions that two people proposed to her, a young man and a middle aged one, but she preferred the younger man. The older one said to her that she was not free to marry. Apparently her people were away, and he hoped that if she delayed her marriage, they may prefer him when they came back.
Abu Hurayrah mentions that he was with the Prophet when a man came to tell him that he had just married a woman from the Ansar. The Prophet asked him whether he looked at her before marriage. The man answered in the negative. The Prophet told him to go and look at her, because some of the Ansar have something in their eyes.
All these incidents confirm that Islam prefers that mixing at the time of making a proposal of marriage is recommended. The following Hadith relates to helping a poor young man to get married. Although the main thrust of the text is about giving such help, yet the incident itself is a clear evidence that such mixing took place during the Prophet’s lifetime and with his approval.
Sahl Ibn Saad reports that a woman came to the Prophet and said to him: “Messenger of God, I have come to make of myself a gift to you.” When the Prophet did not say anything to indicate his acceptance, a man said to him: “Messenger of God! If you do not propose to take her to yourself, marry her to me.” The Prophet asked him whether he had anything to give her. The man said that he had nothing. The Prophet told him to go home and look for something to give her as a dowry. When the man came back he reiterated that he had nothing. The Prophet told him to try to find anything, even an iron ring. The man came back a second time to say that he could not find even an iron ring. He offered to give her half his robe. The Prophet said to him: “What use is that to her? If you wear it, she has nothing of it, and if she wears it, you will have nothing of it.” The man sat down and then rose after a long while. When he turned away, the Prophet sent someone to call him back. He asked him whether he had learned some part of the Qur’an. The man said that he learned several Surahs. The Prophet checked whether he committed them to memory. When the man affirmed that, the Prophet said to him that he gave the woman to him in marriage on condition that he would teach her what he had memorized of the Qur’an.
