Totally by chance, I happened to hear a brief part of a conversation between two young college students, who were laughing and joking in the friendliest way. At a certain point one girl said: “I know that you used to hate me.” The other girl answered: “I didn’t hate you. I don’t hate anybody. I just didn’t like you.” This simple exchange of words suggested an interesting reflection to me. I started by considering the first girl’s complaining words: “I know you used to hate me.” How did she know? Most certainly from her fellow student’s behavior. She must have felt avoided, looked down at, ignored, made fun of, talked behind her back …. There are so many ways to show someone that you don’t like them, aren’t there? The other one replied: “No, I simply didn’t like you.” That is a really interesting distinction. When you feel that someone does not like you, you are easily brought to believe that they actually “hate” you. Usually this is not the case. There is a huge difference between not liking and hating. But our displeased student didn’t feel the difference.
Anyway, let’s now see how come that ever so often a regular human being, upon meeting another regular human being, simply dislikes him or her. No apparent reasons … yet the immediate feeling of rejection is there. Okay, let’s become a little more personal. I now ask you to remember a situation where “you” met someone for the first time: A new co-worker, a guest at a party, a new neighbor, a fellow student, a pupil, a customer, and you didn’t like him (or her) at first sight. How can you explain it? Logically, you can’t, can you? Re-live that circumstance for an instant and try to recall if there was something in the expression of his face that you found standoffish; maybe it was a trait in his attitude, in the way he carried himself that displeased you. Did his expression show that he was stuck up? Were his words a bit arrogant? Was he pretentious, did he attempt to impress you by affecting his culture or his wealth? Were his manners too friendly? Not friendly enough? Did he talk too much? Did he talk too little? It might even have been the way he — more likely “she” — was dressed. You didn’t find her clothes to be appealing, elegant or appropriate enough for the circumstance. Or … just the opposite?
Although the traditional wisdom of proverbs and sayings warns us not to judge people by their appearance (clothes included) we all admit that it is quite natural to form an opinion about a person as soon as we meet them. It’s a human trait, albeit certainly not the smartest or the most helpful one. Going back to the situation where you were facing a newcomer you didn’t like, you had more than one choice of behavior:
1. You could keep your distance, decide to avoid him or her as much as possible, and firmly continue maintaining the negative labeling you have metaphorically already stuck on their back (conceited, boring, pretentious, overbearing etc.)
2. You could choose to relegate such person among the people you don’t care about, those you feel totally indifferent toward. In case you meet them again — you decide — you are planning to ignore them or not to allow them to start a conversation with you.
3. Another possibility is always available, though. You may decide that judging someone on the whim of the moment is never the best way because it’s not unusual for your senses to deceive you. You realize that it would be only fair to give them a chance to prove to you who they really are. Allow your new co-worker (or whomever) to come closer to you, to show you their true personality.
Listening to a person, giving them attention, trying to understand who they truly are, becoming familiar with the background they come from, perceiving what their ideas and dreams are, might make you realize that your first impression was wrong. You could even become good friends. It happened to me! So, which is the path do you usually prefer to take? Still planning to keep trudging on the usual, negative one? Or … will you accept the idea of a possible change of opinion?
Creative Thinking Dislike at first sight
