Question: My relationships with my fellow human beings are not always easy. Sometimes I feel the need to open my heart to a friend, to give unconditional love to someone, to fully dedicate myself to a good cause. Then I remember times when I gave too much of myself — till I became attached — only to be bitterly disappointed. At this point, my heart “freezes.” Such realization makes me unhappy because, while I see so many people around me who are enjoying wonderful relationships, who are serene and relaxed in their dealing with the others, I just cannot be like them. I thus feel that life is slipping away through my fingers and I cannot do anything to stop it, to enjoy it as I know I should do, and as I so desperately desire.
Answer: It seems that you a have the tendency to be more suspicious of others than trusting toward them. Life taught you to mistrust in order to avoid unpleasant surprises. You therefore believe that it’s necessary to be extremely careful. This is not at all wrong. But it is not totally correct either. As usual, the best way is the middle way. A well-known, funny story tells us about a cat who, having sat once on a hot surface, decided never to sit again. Resolving “once and for all” to do or to not do anything ever again is not a wise decision. No thing on Earth is “forever.” Therefore you cannot base an important decision that might strongly affect your future on some (it doesn’t matter how many) unfortunate past experiences.
Therefore you should not seal your heart in the fear of getting hurt. In so doing, you would lose all the treasures offered by love and friendship. Don’t remain a prisoner of your past. You had better remember negative experiences under a different light. Instead of seeing them as an unforgettable trauma, start considering them as obstacles that you encountered on your path and eventually overcame — in due time. Interpret what you dislike in your past not as a binding chain that doesn’t allow you freedom of movement, but see it as a guiding sign on the road toward a greater awareness. Prudence is an indispensable element for creating a life that is lived in a sensible way, but it should not become an iron ball tied to your ankle that prevents you from moving forward.
When you realize that you are becoming “too attached to” or “too detached from” someone or something, you must acknowledge your feeling, admit it to yourself and then…. do something about it. Attention: If you don’t become aware, you are voluntarily entering a dangerous situation, of which you perceive neither the weight nor the gravity. Open your eyes and see how either your dependence or your indifference jail you into a sort of cell which separates you from your dear ones. It makes you anxious, it deprives you of the serenity, the opening toward new opportunities and possibilities, of the joys that you deserve. This should be more important then any other consideration. It may be not too easy to find the right balance in your relationships with the others, but it is necessary for you to maintain the correct lucidity while considering the importance of listening to yourself and listening to the people who love you.
Exercise: Ask yourself and answer honestly.
What kind of relationship do I have with other people? Am I more trusting or diffident? Do I accept them as they are or do I tend to rather “interpret” their words and actions at the light of my own convictions, opinions, previous experiences? How much “benefit of the doubt” do I usually grant, or am I willing to grant?
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Creative Thinking: To trust or not to trust
