Q. My husband insists that I should obey him whatever he tells me, and he imposes on me a very strict code, requiring me to wear hijab in front of other women who are even related to me. He speaks ill of my mother, which I find very hard. If I am ill and need to see a doctor, he says that only when he feels that I should see a doctor, he will take me to see one. He says that my parents have nothing to do with me any more, because, now that I am married, everything is deferred to him. No one else has any business with me. If he wants to beat me up, he could do so because he is the man. If he comes home and finds me reading the Qur’an, he interrupts me and says that nothing of my prayers or reading is acceptable unless he is happy with me, and he never says that he is happy with me. Please comment.
(Name and address withheld)
A. Some people give themselves much more than their due, hoping that in this way they can gain an unfair advantage over those with whom they deal. When this takes place between man and wife, it leads to a very unhappy home. It is bad for the man, wife and children. If the lady’s complaint is true in all its details — and she has given me more details than I have reproduced - then she has a very hard time with him. Unfortunately, some men are like that. They take one or two Hadiths out of context to give themselves an authority that does not belong to them. They not only misinterpret these Hadiths, but their actions are in direct conflict with Qur’anic teachings.
Let us take one or two examples: God says in the Qur’an: “Consort with them in a goodly manner.” (4: 19) This statement should be the foundation of marital relations. The phrase “goodly manner” is inadequate to express all the meaning of the Arabic term used by God. It indicates all that is good in personal treatment. How can a man who listens to this order by God say to his wife that he could beat her up at will? Would he have considered this “goodly manner” if, as a child, he had a cruel father who beat him up without justification? The Prophet says: “Take good care of women.” This man says that he decides when his wife needs to see a doctor. He prefers to save the doctor’s fee, leaving his wife enduring pain and ill health, simply because he is the man. Is he acting on the Prophet’s order when he acts in this way? Is he taking good care of her?
Moreover, God describes marriage as a solemn pledge given by men to women. This is clearly stated in Verse 21 of Surah 4. He uses the same words in describing the pledge He takes from His senior messengers: Noah, Abraham, Moses, Jesus and Muhammad (peace be upon them all). The pledge in the case of marriage requires men to take good care of women and to look after them well, ensuring their well being. The husband of this lady fails miserably in honoring his pledge, if what she describes is true. The way he treats her seems to disregard her feelings and to negate her personality altogether.
Not only so, but this man wants to make God’s pleasure with his wife subject to his own satisfaction. What an enormity he is saying? He decides for God whether her prayer or worship is acceptable! That can only be said by a fool or a conceited person who shows no proper respect of God.
My advice to this lady is to explain her situation to her parents. Let her father try to do something about it, perhaps with the help of someone respectable in her husband’s family. They should explain to this man that he is failing badly in his responsibility. They should also make it clear to him that unless he begins to mend his ways, treating his wife with all the respect and fairness Islam requires, then he risks the collapse of his marriage.
If this does not work, then she has to decide what course she should take. From the Islamic point of view, she may apply to a court of law to dissolve her marriage on grounds of abuse and ill treatment. If she proves her case, judgment will be granted in her favor and she gets a divorce with all her rights maintained.
