Q. People often speak about the need to be diplomatic and courteous to other people, even when they commit acts that are contrary to the Islamic code of behavior, such as lying or breaking promises. Some, however, will not hesitate to speak out bluntly, correcting the behavior of others. This may invite blame even from friends and well-wishers. I am confused as to which method is better. Please comment.
(Name and address withheld)
A. I feel that the root cause of this problem is a conflict between valid principles. Islam teaches us that we must always be truthful. This applies to our attitude with people, what we say to them and how we behave. Therefore, you often find Muslims to be direct and straightforward in their dealings. When this attitude carries a somewhat stronger emphasis, it may be described as blunt or undiplomatic. On the other hand, a Muslim is encouraged to be caring and civil when he deals with other people. The Prophet describes believers as being “gentle and mentally aware”, indicating that they address each situation as fits it best. This includes how they treat people and make sure not to offend them. Sometimes this requires that we should not confront people with their mistakes. Rather, we should often overlook such mistakes, particularly when others are present. We may speak privately to a brother about a mistake or an unbecoming practice. It is reported that the Prophet (peace be upon him) encouraged us to make our advice to our brothers a private affair. He is quoted to have said: “If you give advice to your brother privately, you do well, but if you give advice in front of others, you actually publicize his mistake.” Needless to say, people resent being given advice in public, while they often appreciate it when given privately. Private counsel shows that the one giving advice cares about the other, while an advice in public could be interpreted in different ways. It is important to remember that when we give advice, even in a private situation, we should always show care and be gentle with the other person.
However, we may confront situations that require some corrective action. Suppose a person does not hesitate to tell lies, particularly if he thinks that he can get away with it, either because his audience do not have the means to check the accuracy of his reporting or he can make his reporting sound very true. If one is aware of his lying, does one confront him with the facts? Again one has to weigh the advantages of such a confrontation against the disadvantages. If we let him get away with his lies, are we helping him to tell more lies? This may be true in some situations, but then a heads-on confrontation may not be the best answer. It is to the need to distinguish when each form of reply is suitable that the Prophet refers in his description of believers as being “gentle and mentally aware.” The important point is not to help Satan against our brothers. Thus, if confronting a liar with his lies will only make him sullen and ready to swear falsely to their truth, then we should consider the other alternative of giving him gentle advice in private. Yet at times, confrontation is the best answer. If the person concerned will feel ashamed of himself when he realizes that his lying has not deceived people, then in his embarrassment he may resolve not to lie again. In all situations, it is important to make him realize that telling lies is totally unacceptable from a Muslim.
What is important in all this is to be considerate of the feelings of the other person. Some of us may think that we should not be so considerate, because the one who lies has not been considerate of our feelings. This may be so, but we must always remember that although the Prophet faced far worse situations, he was always considerate and he respected people’s feelings. God praises him for being kind, gentle, modest and caring. Moreover, an attitude that seeks to spare other people’s blushes is always likely to win them over and make us more acceptable when we give them advice.
Another type of lax behavior is that some people often take their own promises lightly. They do not hesitate to break a promise for any small gain. This is totally wrong. But when someone breaks a promise to us, should we remonstrate with him gently or bluntly? Again we should consider the approach that will help that person to correct his behavior, rather than to make him persist with it. In all this our role should always be that of an advocate of Islam. We need to make the correct and true picture of Islam clear to people, even those of them who are born Muslims but are unaware of what this means in practical life. This is the attitude of an advocate of Islam. Each one of us should be such an advocate. We do so by maintaining the correct Islamic behavior when we deal with people, and by being gentle and kind to them. The model advocate of Islam was the Prophet himself and he was always kind and gentle, even with those who opposed him with all their might. When a situation required firmness he was most firm, but he never lost sight of the need to be kind and to stress the goodness in other people.
