God bless the good old days of hand written letters and messages, when communication was through words that entered the heart, reduced the fire of longing and sorrow, messages that carried something nice, something fragrant and something of the sender’s spirit. Letters took place between writers and thinkers and even scientists, discussing personal matters or about an issue or a theory. It was a time when communication was at its finest, no infringements, no insults and no mockery.
Today, because of the explosion and the complexity of modern communication, we lost a lot of social, moral, linguistic and literary skills. A quick look around us will reveal the painful reality of where we have gotten to in the decline of communication skills. We find anger and tension, ridicule belittling others, and dialogue is considered a process of life or death, either kill or be killed, in the sense that you enter to win!
Constructive dialogue loses its effectiveness if it was intended to embarrass the other party: Turning dialogue into a means to flex muscles, expose the weaknesses of others, or to ridicule their ideas and presentation of the subject.
I have seen a great deal of this through reading comments in the pages of social networking, responses to articles in newspapers, and through discussions on issues brought forward by e-mail groups. Unfortunately there are people who can not deal with those who disagree with them, and some even resort to the language of hatred and loathing even though they do not know the individual they are attacking personally, and do not know anything about his life. Why do we resort to methods of stinging criticism, and consider each person who disagrees with us as targets that must be destroyed or eliminated?
The problem is, we focus on the person and forget about the discussion. We start throwing darts right and left and in every direction. Our agenda is to throw our opponent off the main subject, in order to minimize his stature or opinion, and we take him where we want — in a corner until he surrenders.
Note our way of dialogue with those we love or who are on the inside circle of our lives. We may disagree, but often end up accepting the differences of opinion without prejudiced feelings toward each other. But when it comes to those who are not close friends or people we know well, the arena becomes wide open and anything is allowed. Others’ feelings are not important; dialogue etiquette is unnecessary, especially if the dialogue is not face to face or from behind a pseudonym.
Over the course of our lives, we will have many opportunities to communicate with different people, you may agree or disagree in views, but it is important to realize that our differences do not make us bad individuals. Remember that when we are honorable in our dealings with others, it is because we are in essence honorable and respectful people, and not necessarily because our opponent is worthy. Having discussions in polite and practical ways with people who don’t share our points of view, are skills that we can nurture and perfect with practice. Many times I got carried away and approached a topic on a personal level, and when I review my responses I am ashamed of myself.
I put together a list of things that should be avoided in any debate, myself included:
We should have complete control of emotions in order to give room for the mind to work and express our thoughts with carefully selected words, to extend the idea smoothly bringing meaning, to move away from making general statements or characterizations. We shouldn’t stick to ideas that we take for granted from previous generations, without giving our minds the opportunity to ensure their validity or conformity with life in the modern world and its realities. We should not side with those who belong to the same religion or ideology or doctrine as us, but judge them based on what thoughts and actions they provide, whether positive or negative. We do not end the debate until we find that the other insists on their position, or that they have taken a position and does not want to listen or even try to understand. Then simply finish the debate politely without criticism or blame, in order to keep the relationship within the context of appreciation and mutual respect. We must also move away from personalization in that we only attack each other in order to achieve personal victory and feed our narcissism.
We should not deviate from the main target of the dialogue or debate, and make sure it does not steer away from its benefits, points of convergence and clarifications. It is better to admit that we do not know what point or information when you confront others and do not continue with our ignorance to the point where you are making the argument worse, and we should not run circles around a topic to steer the debate into another direction.
— Courtesy of Al-Watan Newspaper
Yes, there will be differences but we have to learn how to disagree. Most importantly let’s set an example not only on public levels but also on personal ones. We should start from our own homes and families in order to prepare future generations to carry out proper dialogue, learn from the development of local and global intellect and their changing variables. We certainly do not want to waste thought and intellect, but we want to invest in them properly.
— Courtesy of Al-Watan Newspaper
