It is normal to feel sad or mourn the loss of a loved one: A parent, a child, or a lifetime partner with tears, sorrow, and feeling of loss. However, when one is stricken by extreme grief and sadness, the condition can become serious and needs to be addressed in its early stages before it turns into deep depression and becomes suicidal. Let us see a description of this devastating emotion.

Grief is an acute negative emotion of extreme devastation, caused by the loss of a loved one, with whom one has shared beautiful years or had a deep meaningful relationship. The grieved person is usually a husband, a wife, a child, a parent, or a dear close friend, for whom the bereaved felt a close and special love and attachment, especially if the loss was sudden (accident) or through a long agonizing illness. The bereaved usually forgets how to live without the lost one or refuses the thought of a life with out him or her.

Most people shake off their grief fairly quickly with the help of relatives and friends, but the worst part is when one cannot come to term with his or her sorrow or accept the fact of the loss and becomes emotionally attached and focused on memories of the lost one. This kind of grief can ruin one’s mental state and life as well as the lives of the ones who are around him or her. Life becomes miserable, unbearable, and depressing, moreover making the caring loved ones downhearted and helpless.

Such a person would be hiding in the shadows of the lost person’s memory, identifying everything or everyone with that memory or love. When grief settles in the heart and mind and takes over the brain, feelings, and senses, it ruins life for everyone, making the person on the brink of hopelessness and desperation. It interferes with daily plans, decisions, and sleep as well as emotions toward others. If too much focus is given to the loss, the feeling of grief is not kept in check, and things are not in their right perspective, the condition can turn into depression, madness, and even suicide. That is what I intend to address today, this kind of overwhelming grief. Here is an example.

As I was reading Dr. Daniel Amen’s book, Use Your Brain to Change Your Age, I came across a section where he describes how a person can overcome depression, grief, and stress by using the brain as a tool and the will power to change negative thoughts and attitudes that come with destructive emotions. Here is the story of Chris, a loving mother, and her daughter Sammie.

When Chris decided to take a job away from home, Sammie began to develop intense anxiety and fear of becoming ill despite her parents reassurance. They made her write her fears on a sheet of paper, crush it, and throw it into the fireplace. This psychological technique usually helps “toss fears away,” but this time it was different.

The next day, as Sammie was rollerblading, she fell and her knee swelled that night, which sent fears rolling back in her mind. The following day, Chris took her to check the knee and that is how the shock of the most unexpected news crashed on the parents. The swelling turned out to be a tumor caused by a bone cancer called osteosarcoma. Unfortunately, the condition was advanced; the cancer had already crept to the lungs, which needed chemotherapy. The treatment was accompanied by the usual side effects of nausea, weakness, and hair loss. Sadly, the therapy could not save the leg. Major surgery was also required to remove the lung tumor.

With all the above done, the surgeons declared Sammie to be cancer-free. To everyone’s dismay three months later, a scan revealed the reappearance of multiple tumors. Seven months of excruciating pain and depressing days ended with the cessation of Sammie’s life and struggles with pain, agony, and disease.

But, this was not the end for Chris who became grief stricken and badly traumatized by the experience. During the long three and half years of battling with cancer and uncertainty, Chris put her two other children, her husband, and herself aside. To chill her feelings and grief, she turned to food and alcohol for comfort. Depression took over her and she lost interest in her family and life. Her therapist did not advise medication, thinking she would eventually make a shift away from grief. Alcohol and overeating fed her grief and gloom furthermore. With her small frame, she reached over 200 pound, when she was once fit, optimistic, and happy.

One day, she came across one of Dr. Amen’s books, “Arrange Your Brain, Change Your Body.” What caught her attention was that it explained that alcohol blocks one’s feelings of understanding and sensitivity to others. She read it in one night. It was a wake-up call for her. She did not want to lose her remaining children or her husband who were so understanding and patient during her grieving period. She decided to gain them back.

Chris followed Amen’s twenty-eight day plan of body cleansing, which meant no more alcohol and no more processed food. She also took fish oil and vitamin D supplements to fight her depression. Her willpower kicked in and she began nourishing her body, brain, and cells with “real” whole fresh foods, which helped suppress her cravings for alcohol, food, colas, and diet drinks. Cleansing helped her sleep restfully. She started analyzing her own thoughts, loss, and grief. She began a mental detox by killing her ANTs (automatic negative thoughts) as per the book’s instructions, which taught her to calm her anxiety and disturbing thoughts. She lost 35 pounds. All this was achieved in only five months. She took up exercising and running four times weekly (around 4.5 miles). She enjoyed the “runner’s high,” the feel-good endorphins, hormones secreted through vigorous exercising. She felt fitter and looked better with the healthy lifestyle changes (diet, physical training, weight loss). She managed her appetite and weight with nutrient dense whole foods. By exercising, she replaced her flabs with muscles.

It was not easy to wash out the grief and the pain of her loss so easily, but she began to look them in the eye. Her children were finally given full attention and the focus of a caring parent.

Father and children sustained years of emotional vacuum and neglect during Sammie’s illness. They welcomed Chris back and supported her and worked together to make them succeed. She continued struggling with grief and her nagging ANTs at times, but she learned to control them and take care of herself and her family. She went into learning new skills and expanding her horizons as well as her brain. She focused on what she has “instead of what [she does not] have.” Chris proudly expressed it: “I am honoring Sammie’s memory … by taking care of myself ...”

Sorrow is a normal process and outcome of the loss of a loved one, but extreme and unresolved grief leads to chronic stress and depression, which take a toll on the brain and body and destroy the joys of life. Not only does it ruin the person’s mind and life, but it is also destructive to relationships and happiness of those who are around. They suffer too; it leaves scars in children, no matter how accepting they may be. It also results in the break-up of relationships.

Next week, we will see together ways to recognize, manage, and overcome grief and the harmful baggage that comes with it before it destroys everything.

References:

• Change Your Brain to Change Your Age, by Daniel Amen, MD

N.B.:

Individuals with medical conditions or on medication should consult their physicians when they decide to introduce anything new in their diet even if it is natural.

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