Last week, I addressed an emotional state of mind that follows the loss of a loved one, especially when the bereaved is the main caregiver or the deceased is life-long partner, companion, or a child. I recounted in Part 1 the experience of Chris and how she fought along with her daughter’s struggle with cancer for three and a half years. She responded to her grief for Sammie’s loss by resorting to food and alcohol abuse until she began to lose control over herself. In the middle of her deep sorrow, she realized that she was going to lose her husband and their two remaining children, had she not changed her attitude. That was how she regained her family and her life.

Other people respond to grief proactively from the start and refuse to mourn for too long, fall apart, or feel sorry for themselves by diving into the present and looking into the future. They look ahead and take the duty of raising and caring for their orphaned children or supporting their widowed mothers and younger siblings, becoming the providers of the family. They also take responsibility of the unfinished job of the deceased person and fill in the gap created by the loss with positive attitudes.

It is natural to feel emotionally and physically consumed during and after the mourning period. It is not easy to get over the loss of a loved one without encountering tough challenges. If the brain is unaffected, time is a healer of the wounds. People don’t forget their loved ones or the long years of happiness spent together, but they learn to heal and adjust to their new status by themselves or with the help of an event or a major change in their lives. This can be a marriage or a pregnancy, the coming of a child or grandchild, breastfeeding, change of residence or environment, a personal achievement, having family or social support, traveling to new places, finding spiritual attachment, having a positive attitude or outlook on life, getting immersed in one’s career, or involvement in social, charitable work, or a good cause. People who bounce back positively have strong beliefs, which make them react with confidence to crisis, avoiding self-destructive behaviors. Enough self-love and less self-centeredness can help in making good and responsible choices; responding with love and kindness to oneself and others; learning how to deal with difficult moments and stressors; and caring for one’s mental stability, body, and health.

Some individuals come out of their grief and the aftermath of a major loss with positive attitudes and stronger faith, by maintaining mental clarity and balance and reasoning power and keeping grief and negative emotions in their right perspectives. Let me tell you the devastating experience of this beautiful, wise and smart young couple.

Salim and Najla are young, beautiful, educated, and a well-suited couple. Both are very capable and hard working. They had a beautiful one-year girl who filled their lives with joy. Najla quit her work for sometime after the birth of Salma to enjoy her little rose blossom and relish her first words, moves, teeth, and steps with motherly love and adoration. She eventually resumed her work with more convenient hours in order to give time and tend to her child’s needs. After the birth of Salma, Salim and Najla carefully interviewed and hired a well-recommended female help with previous experience in childcare.

Little Salma was developing beautifully. Her parents and grandparents adored her and doted on her. With the approach of her first birthday, the proud mom and dad carefully planned the event. They prepared to welcome both paternal and maternal grandparents to stay with them to enjoy the first party of their only grandchild.

The day before the event was festive. Salma napped that afternoon, but did not wake up at her usual hour. She seemed to be in deep sleep, but when she finally opened her eyes, she went into a seizure. The worried couple rushed the baby to the hospital. To their astonishment, they were told that their baby had a stroke. The tiny girl was immediately taken for a brain MRI, magnetic resonance imaging. The results were not encouraging at all! The brain images showed multiple brain injuries.

According to the medical report, there was also evidence of fractured leg and vertebrae and other injuries. A couple days later, Allah chose to claim Salma back to His realm. Had she survived, she would have lived with brain damage. Everyone was shaken by the loss and puzzled by the injuries inflicted on the tiny body.

As they got ready to give their beloved one their final good-byes, the police intervened and ordered an autopsy to determine the cause of death. Indications pointed to homicide. Between the loss and the grieving, all the parents wanted was some quite time with close relatives and friends to grieve their loss, without publicity. They did not expect an investigation; they just hoped for a quiet closure to the tragedy. However, the grief-stricken couple found themselves in the middle of interviews and probing questions.

To everyone’s shock, the autopsy revealed that the child’s brain was battered and roughly shaken multiple times on different occasions. By the different layers of blood clots, the pathologist was able to tell the precise times of the day little Salma was shaken. Each layer determined the day and exact time of the different injuries. The time of battering happened when the child was in the custody of the young nanny while the parents were at work. The details of the tragedy left the wounded parents stunned. The police had the nanny arrested for first-degree murder.

Meanwhile the parents took another domicile to avoid the media and to be away from the painful scene and tragic memories. Fortunately, the parent’s strong belief in God was not shaken. Soon after that, they left the country to take refuge in prayers. They came to visit the Holy Mosque of Makkah for Umrah.

I was hesitant to meet them, but to my surprise, they appeared calm and extremely well contained, but in deep grief, and their hurt was apparent. Fortunately, their strong faith overpowered their grief. The deep sorrow in their eyes betrayed their mirthless polite smiles. Yet, their stoic statures stood high and proud. My heart reached out to them. I said to myself no words could alleviate their grief or wipe out the tragedy they have lived.

The thing that seemed to comfort them and give them strength was words of prayer and reminder of patience. Such moral support gave them peace and seemed to ease their well-concealed tension. The only advice that I managed to slip in was that having another child would help ease the hard blow of their loss. I was not sure if it was the right thing to say at that early stage of the tragedy.

They left for Holy Makkah, where they stayed for a couple days and continued to Madinah, the city of Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him). They seemed to have benefited from the tranquillity and spirituality of the holy places and felt gratification and peace. The spiritual trip gave them time to contemplate and come to term with their grief and gave them the strength to carry on with life. With this newly acquired inner peace, they set out to face what was waiting for them back home. Of course, the pain was still there, but the spiritual trip charged them with a load of new strength to support them in their tragic loss.

Two months later, the wonderful news came to us. Najla was pregnant! This was a blessing and a gift from the Almighty. It was His way of helping them come out of their sorrow and replacing their loss with a new life. This reminds me of Surat Al-Kahf (the chapter of “The Cave”), when the Holy Qur’an recounts the encounter of Prophet Moses (peace be upon him) with one of Allah’s pious servants “… Unto whom We have imparted knowledge from Ourselves” (chapter:8; verse:65). Moses accompanied this man of knowledge on his journey to learn what Allah has taught him. But, to his shock and bafflement, the learned man went and killed a young man who crossed their path. He also did several other unconventional acts. At the end of the journey, the pious man explained to the puzzled Moses: “And as for the young man [who was killed], his parents were [true] believers, whereas we had every reason to believe that he would bring bitter belief upon them by [his] overweening wickedness and denial of all truth: (80) and so we desired that their Sustainer grant them in his stead [a child] of greater purity than him, and closer [to them] in loving tenderness.” (verse: 81).

Salim and Najla were recently blessed with a lovely baby boy who is, InshaAllah, a reward for their patience and strong faith. They are smart and wise; they will learn to heal their deep wounds and overcome grief. Time is a healer when faith and will are there to help going forward and when there is acceptance of one’s destiny. It is not impossible to find happiness after a devastating experience and grief. God helps those who help themselves and if there’s a will there’s a way.

It is important to recognize grief and keep it in the right perspective. Hope and optimism are healing attitudes. Of course, it is easier said than done. Next week, I will give you more details.

References:

• Use your Brain to Change your Age by Daniel Amen, M.D.

N.B.:

Individuals with medical conditions or on medication should consult their physicians when they decide to introduce anything new in their diet even if it is natural.

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