If aliens were to land up here (not surprising considering they might think that one of the buildings was part of their lost fleet) and do a survey on driving practices, the dissertation would make an interesting reading. It would contain an analysis of traffic rules and regulations that may contain some of the following extracts:
Whichever way you want to turn, you must ensure that you are in the diametrically opposite lane to the direction that you are about to follow. Those wishing to turn right must start off in the extreme left lane ensuring that they scrape past all other vehicles in their path, and those wishing to turn left must start off in the extreme right. The right hand lane at traffic signals is reserved for those drivers who have the sole intention of turning in any direction other than right.
It is absolutely illegal to be in the same lane that you intend to turn into. Points will be taken off one’s license and a jail sentence might ensue if those intending to turn right or left are found in the corresponding right or left lanes prior to the turn. Drivers who can show green documentation and perform the biggest swings while turning will be rewarded handsomely. This will assume the form of an affectionate hug and kisses on both cheeks from the men in green on patrol who wait and watch to apprehend those who do not comply with this strict code of highway conduct.
The practice of telepathy is an essential requirement of city driving. People should be amply able to understand and anticipate whether a flashing left indicator means “I am thinking about making a left turn at some point in the not too distant future, any time between now and next Tuesday” or “I will brake suddenly” or “I am actually testing your ESP by turning right”. Mind reading and a degree of clairvoyancy can help to avoid all those nasty scrapes resulting from dim-witted individuals who lack extra-sensory perception.
You must not stay in any one lane for longer than 60 seconds. This demonstrates both a lack of initiative and a degree of flagrant civilization. Such qualities are entirely unacceptable on the roads within the city limits. Creativity is a key concept. Although dancing within cars by male occupants is a superb form of entertainment for passers-by dancing between cars is preferable. Tango on the roads is an official form of light entertainment. The accompaniment of a concerto of horns provides the perfect musical background for such fancy wheel work. You must switch partners all the time lest traffic moves in a boring straight line. It just doesn’t look as good when viewed by spaceships hovering above the skyline.
Remember to always stay within a few centimeters of the car in front of you. This sort of relationship building between vehicles is an integral part of what we stand for. Metallic intimacy is core to societal well being.
It is against the law to use rear view or side mirrors for any purpose other than adjusting of the checkered headdress or sharpening of its peak. Anyone caught flashing glances in order to gauge traffic conditions will be severely penalized.
It is illegal to place both hands on the steering wheel at the same time. (It is, however, acceptable to position both feet here while driving the vehicle.) Those using mobile phones or generously distributing their contact details are exempt from using any hands at all. In line with finding innovative ways of augmenting the use of existing facilities, dashboards are now to be utilized as footrests.
Small children are to be positioned as precariously as possible under or over the steering wheel, or in the event that they do not fit, they may alternatively be balanced on top of the dashboard. It is recommended that they are introduced to taking control of the vehicle from infancy as fathers look on with a sense of dutiful pride. Steering wheels are surprisingly good for soothing the gums of teething toddlers. Larger offspring may hang out of the sunroof or open side windows. Baby carriers are contraband and the use of backseats for children is unlawful. It is, however, within the law to allow children to drive vehicles without parental supervision. If their feet cannot reach the pedals then a sibling can be appointed to manually pummel the foot controls for them. The ability to see over the windscreen is obviously not a requirement.
Seatbelts provide great ornamental value to otherwise drab interiors. They are not to be used at any cost, especially around young children. However, many drivers like the feel of pulling them around their waists at signals to impress the men in green with their shapeliness. Needless to say, they must not be fastened.
On the subject of safety, those riding motorcycles must not wear any form of protective headgear. Helmets are strictly forbidden although bandannas are highly encouraged as long as they are of suitable length and attractive color.
Those driving within the posted speed limits will be arrested for cautious behavior. The signs are obviously to remind those on the road of the minimum pace that must be adhered to. In spite of strict prohibition, drivers are expected to assume a natural state of self-induced intoxication when negotiating busy roads.
A red light means “full throttle”. The advent of a stop signal means that you are obliged to hit maximum acceleration. Those nice men in green are there to wave you through the finish line. It is essential to cross irrespective of whether there are vehicles in front of you or not. You may hit them as you go, but not very hard. Unless you are part of the aforementioned green document reward scheme. Then you can basically hit anyone as hard as you like.
When an accident such as this occurs, all drivers must stop in their tracks, descend from their vehicles and form a human chain around the scene. Those traveling in the opposite direction must also conform to this rule. Drivers must sprint across the central reservation in spite of oncoming traffic. Cars must be strewn along the road as randomly as possible in order to prevent emergency services from reaching the area.
People are not encouraged to walk, unless around disused medical facilities or areas such as Batha on Fridays after the noon prayer.
(Lubna Hussain is a Saudi writer. She is based in Riyadh.)
