There is this white van going down the road. And it has the Syrian flag on its side and everyone is happy and the people are lining the roads and waving as it smoothly takes the high road of democracy into Damascus.

Dream on. It is more like a black hearse for the hopes of the people and even calling the proposed election an election is a farce because what election race can you have when you already know the winner. Ergo, let’s stop this wool over the world’s eyes exercise, save the time and money and use it to heal the gaping wound that is Syria.

OK, fine, so we all know that this is perhaps the biggest electoral con game in the 21st century. Then why is it happening? Very simple, by holding the election or announcing it, two factors kick in. One, international pressure backs off and the tire goes flat. Now, you can kill folks without worrying too much of condemnation or any sort of an action because, after all, the prez is holding a free and fair election, right and no one can be seen to disrupt that sincerity of his attempt. He is doing it, right, so what price the 220,000 dead and rising, they are nothing but collateral damage, sorry, we can’t bring them back alive but at least, something is working out. The battle of the ballot shows Assad’s heart is in the right place.

Now, flip the coin. The world has found this huge tube of ointment for its collective guilt. It can just rub the salve and agree that it has exercised great judgment, brought enormous tons of pressure on Assad and see, there is the result — democracy waits on her high horse to come riding in.

All we have to sing is “It is a wunnerful life….”

Now is it the fault of the Big Powers if everyone loves Assad and he wins by a landslide. It is the people’s choice. And so, if it does happen that half the people will not be eligible to vote stop being so picky, at least half can. And then again, if half the aspirants will be disqualified from running or dare not stand because uh oh, how dare they, that’s their problem, not the system’s?

So stop nitpicking. The global conscience has found it fit to endorse the March 17 resolution okaying the election who are you to point to the blood-spill on the street and detract from this momentous occasion.

A nation is going to vote. The rules are straightforward. To stand for election you must get at least 35 members of Parliament to OK your candidature as pre-requisite to accepting you on the ballot. We think that is very fair, it could have been 40 or even 50, then where would you be? Look at the bright side. To ensure that you are a true Syrian at heart and not one of those long distance types, you must have lived 10 years at home and faced the sounds of war and rage without taking a flight. Ergo, spoilsports may call it asylum or refuge, but come on, who needs asylum when democracy is already cantering down that road. If you listen carefully you can hear her.

Consequently, all those opposed to Assad are disqualified anyway and that is fair because they don’t live in Syria anyway and those who do, well, they may not be heard in the exciting din of electoral battle.

In their desire to ensure the free and candid nature of the election and give the people franchise unlimited the Assad regime has also made it compulsory to hold a new identification document that can only be validated by the current regime. Hence, those who left Syria to escape the war, which never happened, will not be able to vote. This immediately wipes out the nine million refugees, the displaced, those in opposition-controlled regions and any thousands who are in camps in neighboring countries who may not be permitted to leave to get to their embassies to cast their choice.

What really is surprising is how the world is buying into this nonsense. The cities are being painted with Syrian flags and Assad’s landslide victory seems assured.

Last time he won 97.6 percent of the vote and the odds are the 2.45 million have either gone, been dispatched or don’t count.

But as a strong man like him faces opposition with stoic bravery and takes on his opposition he knows the landslide has to be a little controlled to give the feeling of balance and honesty.

He might lose a bit and settle for about 85 percent this time round. That will give the world even more reason to let him grind the nation and kill his own people because, look, people, he won fair and square.