I bought my wife a Mixi with attachments that collectively did everything except break-dance. One of those impulsive things husbands do to display fond and abundant love. Buy them a sudden gift. Diamonds, grinders, same difference. Keeps them off balance, they wonder what you are hiding.

The Mixi ground, chopped, diced, sliced, squeezed, chipped, squashed, powdered but it did not break-dance, which was kind of disappointing but then, you cannot have everything. Life was going good, now we could dice and chop and nip and tuck with the best of them. To offset this scientific imperfection of it unable to dance the company included a 4-color guarantee card that confirmed I was the lucky owner of a Mixi Maximash.

On the third day the Maxi Mash mashed to a maximum. In English, that means it conked out, went kaput.

Armed with my 4-color lucky owner guarantee card, much angst and great hurt that the celery and the carrots were not cut in soldierly accurate lines I gestapoed into the shop and said, this is ridiculous, give me a new one.

The shop-owner said, fill in this form. I said, I don’t want a passport, I want a new Maxi Mash 800 DE which adds class to the kitchen and is the stuff a housewife’s dreams are made of.

He said, form, first the form, and please answer the questions honestly, did you, your wife or relatives mishandle it?

Certainly not.

The help, children?

Never.

Does your electricity fluctuate often?

Well, sometimes. He said, hmmmmm.

He said, leave your name and address then we will send our local inspector to your place to check out your fittings. He will then send his report to the Company’s Chief Product Inspectorate (Complaints Division) who will recommend action. That action, if positive will then enable us, as retailers, to forward your complaint to the wholesaler.

I said thank goodness, it ends there. He said, well actually it doesn’t, because the CPI (CD) may wish to initiate their own inquiry and put you and your family through a lie detector test, you’d be surprised how many people damage their Maxi Mashes through negligence then demand replacements.

I said, that’s terrible but can we choose sodium pentothal to the lie detector. He said, he’d do his best to help but it was really up to the wholesaler who was the Hauptmanfuhrer of the hierarchy and if he said you were clear there was a good chance of the case going to the CCE’s office for processing.

I said, who’s the CCE?

He said oh, that’s the Chief Complaint Examiner, he works out of the Main Branch and it’s his job to assess your role in the disaster. I said, do you think it’s possible that may be the Mixi Mash cracked up without any support from my family or myself?

He said, impossible, this is a class A product, sturdy, durable, hardy, long lasting haven’t you seen the ads but if you put orange pips into it, what do you expect?

I said, how long will this exercise take? He said, frankly its like going to court, you get three postponements, the company gel three postponements, then there are two adjournments then we try to arrive at a compromise, why don’t you settle out of court, so to speak?

I said, how do I do that?

He said, simple, you withdraw the complaint and we don’t tell anyone you put orange pips into 800 DE.

I said, but we didn’t put them.

He said, well if you wish to be technical,.. all I am trying do is help you...if that is how you want to go through life, the family that flings orange pips...

I said, no, no, you’re right, it’s a terrific compromise, than you for being so kind?

I tore up the 4-color guarantee job and tearfully expressed my gratitude to the shop-keeper.

As I left, he said, by the way, that’s the bill for the complaint forms.