I know it is fashionable to paste updates of your profile on Facebook and show yourself in resplendent “eat your heart” surroundings though occasionally the reason for the photograph so chosen completely beats me. Why did you select this picture?

This is nothing compared to the little square pix when you open someone’s page. The other day I got a few requests to be friends and one of them was a stunning looking young lady. At my age most women are stunning but this one truly was.

So I hit “friends” with great delight and then told my daughters I had this new fan who loved my writing and she was also very attractive. My wife at that moment was out of earshot.

Ooh, they said, someone is looking smitten.

No, really, I said, oblivious of where this would go, she is incredibly good looking and look what she says, I read your Daily Dose every morning.

Finally, they said, okay let’s see and we opened the page and they screamed, dad that’s J.LO.

You know her?

Dad, she is a famous singer.

And she reads me, wow?

No she doesn’t, she doesn’t even know you (thanks for that) someone has just used her pix as their visual.

Naturally, when this conversation was on my wife was in earshot and she said, your father making a twit of himself again.

Why would you do that, why would you put a celebrity picture as your profile? Don’t you like yourself, don’t you have enough self-worth? What is the point of putting a pix of a star besides your name?

Since then I never befriend anyone who looks a film star or cricketer. There is a Michael Jackson who comes on regularly. I hate to tell you this but Michael Jackson is dead.

I also avoid all those Lolas and Poppets and Ivonas who want to be my friend and have a flower in their mouths. It is tough to be friends with anyone who puts flowers in their mouth.

But the ones who really creep me out are those who have little children next to their names. Maybe they are your children so go ahead knock yourself out but how can I befriend you by hitting a picture of a five year old. What the heck is wrong with you, mister?