‘I forsake my life with him’
She said: “I summoned my courage, I gathered all my energy, and I told my husband of my desire and decision not to continue with him, and tried to hide my weakness behind my new character. Yes, I refused to continue with the feelings of weakness that I have lived with throughout my life.
I have lived my life not opposing, not resisting, not screaming; instead I surrendered and lost sense of all that is beautiful until I lost my happiness. We’ve lost the language of understanding and dialogue, and live in a state of implied separation. It is true that we are staying in one house, and slept on the same bed, and we sit at the same dining table, but I view it all as acting on our part, or courtesy or familiarity for our feelings for each other soon withered and widened the gap between us.
The problem with my husband is that he does not want to acknowledge my right to request my freedom. In his point of view he still loves me and is unaware that he loves me in his own particular way: Selfish love that only sees himself, and loves only himself and his own logic. He ignores my needs, my interests, and my feelings.
Even if he loves me, it’s through his love for himself, so that I may not live moments of happiness unless inspired by him.”
“He addressed our issues with his own logic,” she continued, ” and he required that I do as I was told without debate. I didn’t pressurize him in any way, so he took advantage of my silence and perseverance. Until that crucial moment had arrived, when he wounded my whole being, hurt my feelings, touching the red line in my heart.
It was the moment when he told me I was the worst wife, I had no femininity, and he continued in his destructive tirade, but I no longer heard or understood his words, I was no longer aware of anything at all.
His words had shook, brought down and toppled all the entrenched buttresses under which I lived in the shadows. His words made me a balanced human being who believes in everything that is right and authentic, and the tremor caused cracks down the walls of my heart.
I was no longer able to contain what was destroyed inside me; what made me lose my confidence in myself, and become negligent in my work, and distant from my children, my intellect declined, and I lost so much sleep. I was tired and exhausted and I could no longer bear to tolerate the simplest events in life, the simplest matters made me quake and fall apart.
I will not force myself to endure any more after my life became miserable engulfed in anxiety, fear and failure. I had lost my emotional stability, so I decided to forsake my life with him; for I had forsaken life itself because of him.”
A sigh of life:
After I had matured, and I understand real life for what it is, I understood why a wife leaves a man who built her a palace, and why another is happy even though she lives in a room. I understand what a cold wall means, and what it means not to be alone but feel lonely.
I understand this change that affects a person on the verge of life, when suddenly their shining spirit fades, happiness is lost, and they are no longer able to live in harmony and agreement. I understand the meaning of surrender but I resisted the vortex so that it would not drag me to the bottom of darkness.
— Courtesy of Sayidaty magazine
