Other Side of the Mirror: Telling the expat truth

Expatriate lies.
Like: I am so sorry but we never received your passport copy, we would have loved to have you over, transit visas are no problem and the second copy you sent was blurred so it got rejected.
Like: Are you really in town for only two days, what a pity, it would have been super to have you over for a meal but we are booked solid both nights, you know how it is, next time you must warn us, you really must.
And: Who, oh, how nice, of course we remember you, how could we forget the lovely times we have (where, where, if only I could remember), you are in Dubai now, how nice, that’s wonderful for you and how are the children, really silly me, what made me think you had kids, and how is your dear husband (what is his name) now that we are together again we must meet soon (over my dead body) it will be like old times again (not if I can help it).
What about: Hello, oh yes, hello, you are leaving for Delhi tonight and you want to know if I have anything to send to my brother’s family, you’ll be meeting them tomorrow, well give them all our love, I would have dearlv wanted to send some things but it is so late now (it costs, don’t you know) how I wish you had given us a little more warning, I could have prepared a small parcel.
Also: Stop them, this is no time for your aunt and uncle to come stay with us, the kids have exams, tell them you are going on a tour, anything, but stop them, say the visas have become very strict, tell them it is too hot, tell them there is a flu epidemic, just make sure they cancel.
And: We are planning to do Europe, you know, the Riviera, and then sneak down to Scotland for a week and meet old friends, haven’ t seen them since I990, (we’ll probably end up at his home with his parents and his other relatives and their ghastly kids and have a frightful time but where is the harm in playing let’s pretend)
Like: Darling we would have loved to make your party, why did you leave it so late, we are booked elsewhere now and we just cannot get out of it, one of these demi-official dos, really boring but duty calls (still a darn sight more interesting than your drag affair) you have a wonderful time without us, luck, luck. (Who the heck wants to go, all has-beens and never wases.)
Also: What’s wrong with your phone, we tried and tried and it just wouldn’t get through, we were so keen to have you over for a little party we were throwing in honor of the Chairman ... (you think if we’d wanted you to come we wouldn’t have got to you, huh, who are we kidding?)
... Or didn’t you get my message, I left it with your maid, oh you don’t have a maid, well then whoever answered, maybe it was the houseboy, yes, yes, it was the houseboy of course.
... Or what do you mean you didn’t come for our party because you didn’t get our card, you were on the top of our list, in fact we were so surprised when we didn’ t see you, there is no way the card wasn’ t sent, we are such old friends, how could we have a party without you, you must check with your secretary, how could it go so horribly wrong (goodness me, we actually forgot them!!!)
Not to forget: You can’ t imagine the quality of the food and we were first class, we always travel first class, hahaha, if you have to go why not go in style, don’t you agree, one can’t be seen in the cattle car, (that was the only time we went (first class and we were upgraded, but why not bleed it to the last drop?)
How about: You look absolutely radiant (glee, glee, she has put on weight) and you have lost a few pounds, you are positively glowing (the rumors must be correct they are having problems, she looks washed out) how do you do it, this looking half your age (ho, just take a load of those wrinkles, like crepe paper).
And: It is not for me to gossip, far from it, mind your own business is what I say, but is it true that he has gone broke and she is going around with you know who.
The biggest expat lie of all ... people are saying ... not me, it is the people they say.