Creative Thinking: Failed marriages
I know two young women whose marriages failed. “No big deal,” you might say. I know, a failed marriage is no big deal nowadays, as we hear of separations and divorces as a sadly too frequent an occurrence. But these two young women’s situations make me think and feel particularly sorry because the failure was caused by something totally unexpected, that could have been easily avoided.
The first girl got married to a man who liked her mainly because of the way she was, i.e. her looks, her personality, culture, upbringing. Yet, the minute she became his wife, he immediately endeavored to transform her, to turn her into a different person. He had chosen her because she was like a beautiful bird flying high in the sky but, instead of letting her fly and possibly start soaring with her, he immediately put her in a cage. From day one he worked on making his spouse change her habits, her way of being (the very way he had married her for), her beliefs, her interests, even her clothes. The second case concerns another young woman who attracted the affection of an older man with her charm, kindness and availability. But he, almost from day one, began trying her patience by treating her arrogantly, by switching moods in a whim, by keeping her on a constant see-saw of emotions, up and down … up and down, day after day.
I wonder why this kind of things happen. Both marriages had started under the best auspices, everything seemed fine, the engagement time had been serene and pleasant. But, as soon as the knot was tied, things drastically changed till the final break-up, till both ladies realized that they did not have to stay in their misery any longer. How sad it is to see that ever so often people (in this case, it was the husbands, but it can be the wives and even close friends) tend to destroy possible happiness with their own hands simply because they are not aware of their capability of actually being happy, of creating a serene relationship. They do not realize that their complexes and mental conditioning end up ruining their lives and the lives of those who have the misfortune of being connected to them.
It would be so easy to accept others as they are, to keep a consistent behavior, to follow the path of mutual understanding, to maintain a fair demeanor, to continue being, in all circumstances, the individual that he or she is known to be. Changing conduct for the worse, for no understandable reason (pure selfishness?), can be considered a sort of betrayal. The fact to be pondered upon here is that such individuals take on a different behavior only when they realize that they are dealing with an apparently “weaker” person, i.e. someone who is kind, well mannered, who is not used to hurting people’s feelings, who cares about establishing a good relation. Instead of being grateful for their good fortune in having found a dedicated companion or friend, complex-ridden individuals dump all their frustrations on their “prey”. They therefore display an extreme need for control, they can’t help manipulating the other in order to have them accept their will and meet their expectations — at all times.
The divorce rate has highly increased in recent times and one of the main causes seems to be the new unwillingness of one of the partners to accept impositions that are deemed unfair. In the olden days women were expected to comply with any request, no matter how unreasonable, made by a male family member, especially a husband. Now things have changed, although sometimes — as a perfect balance is never possible here on Earth — women, too, tend to acquire domineering, rebellious or unresponsive behavior. As usual, a smart compromise could be reached, provided that both partners are willing to find an understanding, are willing to listen to each other, are capable of communicating. I said, and will keep on saying that the main cause of so many distressing relations should be mainly attributed to the lack of communication, the inability to listen (beside being listened to), on a level of equality. As long as one of the two partners wants to prevaricate, harmony will never be achieved. People will continue being unhappy. Divorces and break-ups will keep on happening, family ties will break be broken, friendships will be destroyed.
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