Other Side of the Mirror: Hair raising stuff

They say hair grows even after a person has died and I for one am not surprised. Just look at the diet hair is on and you realize it should be practically indestructible. I believe hair per se has a more balanced intake of nourishment than the average person under it.
Do you, for example, consciously take protein-enriched food for yourself? Of course not. But when it’s shampoo for your hair it’s proteins and vitamins and herbs and coconut milk and honey and egg yolk and more medicinal herbs followed by such mysterious ingredients as aloe, who the heck figured out aloe is food for the hair. What’s aloe anyway? Alo, aloe.
It’s incredible, isn’t it? We eat junk food, drink junk-flavored water, line our arteries with cholesterol, slab our bodies with blubber and generally do everything we can to challenge the human system but when it comes to hair we go berserk.
My goodness there’s no bounce in my hair, it doesn’t reflect light, I don’t look groomed, get me a tonic, fortified, now there’s a word, fortified, for that extra sheen.
Pay double because the oil you are using is to be heated and if it is hot it must be good.
To this tonsorial diet we add Vitamin E and yoghurt, how are you doing hair, sure you still aren’t hungry?
Care for some dessert?
Someone I know used grapes, crushed grapes, smeared across the hair in sticky, globby trails because it brings out the luster, will you believe?
This is nothing, just the beginning of the saga. After this comes the conditioning. Nobody with any self esteem would walk into the world without conditioning, that’s mandatory and it comes in creams, lotions, salves, sprays, squeeze ons, lime, natural or lavender. You shampoo so you must condition. Whaaaat?
You wonder why people lose their hair considering the caloric intake for each little follicle, how come instead of glowing with vitality, the tufts die and fall out...around the tub, on the pillow, in the brush. I have a theory. They die of indigestion and over-eating, they become soft and self-indulgent and materialistic, and greedy little curls and straights, gobbling stuff all the time. What if you were to eat honey and coconuts and milk and egg yolks and chlorophyll and aloe and applessence and Vitamins A, B, C, D E and K and lemons and oranges and ginseng and arrowroot and thyme, you think you’d be healthy.
You’d be gorging all day. Fat and sleek. It’ll get to the pit of your stomach. The same with hair. You throw up. Hair falls out. Same convulsion. And I firmly believe that if all these goos were doing any good (I’m not even mentioning the medicinal anti-dandruff range) at least the hair would look plumper. Do they ? No. So how are they burning their calories that’s what I’d like to know.
And yet, hair like the human race is racist and bigoted. There is wanted hair and unwanted hair. No one ever spares a thought for unwanted hair. No one says, can I have a fortified cucumber concoction for my nostrils, please or my ears or the forests on my back.
Instead, the same companies that sell you these rich diets now do a quick turnabout and scream another message. Do you have unwanted hair ? For shame!! You mean you do? Remove it this instant. Use Ban-Wan with XK 16, the magic formula that banishes hair in a whisker, whatever that means.
You know what I think? I think its a sham, all of it.
This article has only one redeeming feature. The author has displayed unique restraint in not playing on the word “hair”, like “hair today, gone tomorrow, hair — raising, hair apparent” and other such awful stuff.
Hair, hair.